6 Tips for Coping

When a loved one dies it is a really hard thing to deal with. We get showered with all sorts of emotions. Coping with it can be emotionally and physically draining. A big way that we tend to cope with death is by avoiding the certainty that it is real. One day it feels real and one day it doesn’t. Blocking out the fact that it actually happened helps us to move on, but eventually it will hit us that it is real, and we do have to deal with it. Here are some tips to help cope:

• Accept your personal feelings—it is normal to go through the grieving process. It is also important to express your feelings rather then to repress them.

• Cry—it’s natural and helps to get everything out, if even for a minute. So guys don’t be afraid to cry and show emotion. For me personally, I do not cry as much as I used to. When I really sit and think about my dad, that I am never going to see him again, that is when it starts to hit me. I will have a breakdown at random times, one little thing that reminds me of him, and I am a mess.

• Talk about it—with a good friend, or family member. This helps you to remember the good times, and is a necessary part of the grieving process. A good friend of mine lost her grandfather to cancer a week ago. In order to cope, she has talked to her parents and siblings—they have helped her to realize that he is no longer in pain.

• Maintain healthy habits—since this is physically exhausting, eat a nutritious diet. Get the proper exercise and rest. Avoid unhealthy habits like alcohol, excessive eating, abusing drugs, and smoking cigarettes.

• Honor your loved one—when holidays come around, it is going to be hard, especially the first time. You should honor your loved one, and maybe go out to one of their favorite restaurants, or something that sparks an old memory. This will help you keep the memory alive, even though it is not. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to sit around moping, they would want you to move on with your life.

• Avoid major decisions—don’t move or change careers immediately after, this will only ad stress.

The Grieving process

This is a very long and emotionally painful process. This process can be less painful if you begin to accept that dying is a natural part of life, it is inevitable. This process normally consists of these stages:

• Anger—we tend to get angry with other people, ourselves, or just angry in general. It just does not seem fair that some one close to us died and we don’t know why they had to leave so soon. Eventually you will begin to realize that the world is not out to get you and the anger will subside.

• Bargaining—sometimes we try to bargain and say that we will give up something in our lives to get that loved one back.

• Guilt—we may feel guilty for things that we did or did not do prior to the loss. We might also start to blame ourselves for what has happened, even though it wasn’t our fault at all

• Depression—at first you might experience a sense of great loss. After that mood fluctuations might occur. Feelings of isolation and withdrawal may follow. It will take awhile to return to your old self, it is normal.

• Loneliness—as you go through changes in your social life due to the loss, you may be lonely and afraid. You might get afraid that some one else close to you might die as well.

• Acceptance—you finally start to accept the reality of the situation, however, this does not mean happiness

• Hope—eventually it won’t be so painful remembering what happened and the memories you shared with that loved one and you can begin to move on and look at the future for good times.

Not every person goes through these stages, some people may skip a stage or two, or some may experience more than this. As we go through this process, some things we may experience is: sadness, disbelief, shock, numbness, lack of energy, feelings of weakness, loss of appetite, nightmares or trouble sleeping, loss of interests in friends or normal activities, and poor grades in school (if you’re still in school of course). All of this is normal.
Some things that you could do to help resolve this process may include: allowing time to experience thoughts and feelings openly to yourself, acknowledge and accept all feelings (both positive and negative), use a journal, confide in a friend, express your feelings openly (crying offers a release), resolve unfinished business, join a bereavement group, or go to counseling. Some actions that could hinder the healing process involve using drugs or alcohol to self-medicate, over function at work to avoid feelings, and avoiding or minimizing your emotions.

Someone's Watching Over Me

I found myself today
Oh, I found myself and ran away
But something pulled me back
A voice of reason, I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it’s written in the sky tonight

So I won’t give up
No, I won’t break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I’m standing in the dark I’ll still believe
Someone’s watching over me

I’ve seen that ray of light
And it’s shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I won’t be afraid
To follow everywhere it’s taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment, to my dreams

So I won’t give up
No I won’t break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I’m standing in the dark I’ll still believe...

That someone’s watching over,
Someone's watching over,
Someone's watching over me

Part 1 of 6: The beginning of the end

Death is a very hard concept to deal with. Although it happens all the time and is a part of life, as survivors, we have to deal with it and move on the best way that we can. Losing a friend is hard. Losing a family member is even harder. Loosing a parent is insurmountable. This is my story of dealing with the recent death of my father.

My father, Vernon Garland Thacker III is the best man that I have ever known. He was, and still is my world. He had a very colorful personality and was always full of life. Everything he did was for my mother and me. We were his world. He always put other people first and always kept his word. Vernon worked his whole life and he rarely sat still for very long. I have learned a lot from him, and I am like him in many ways.

Early in the morning around 1:30 a.m. on February 22, 2009, I was lying in my bed watching a movie when my mother came in hysterical and crying. I ran with her down the hall to find my father breathing heavily and he seemed to be having some sort of seizure. We called 911 and EMTs arrived within minutes (we live right down the street from the fire station). About an hour later they rushed him to the hospital.

Part 2 of 6: All we can do is wait...

We spent all of that Sunday in the hospital talking to doctors and trying to figure out what was wrong. Later that night, around 9:30 p.m., the doctor called and told us that he had a massive stroke and that it did not look good. My world just started to crumble.

Over the next week many friends and family were in and out of the hospital visiting him. They provided a huge support system; people were constantly calling and coming over to the house to make sure we are all right and bring us food. Without them it would have been much harder to deal. All of us just kept hoping he would wake up.

The doctors were very helpful, and told us everything that they were doing to try to make him better. That Friday, we learned that he had a bilateral stroke, which severely damaged both the right and left side of his brain. The doctor’s theory was that when he had to have a colonoscopy and had gone off of his blood thinner medication for a week, a clot had formed. Three weeks later that clot went to his brain. That same day they also told us that he should start to get better within the next three days and if he did not, he would never get better.

Part 3 of 6: It's all over...

That weekend went by so slowly, knowing that Monday would tell us if he was going to make it or not. Monday finally came. Things had gotten worse: his kidneys and lungs were failing. The doctors wanted to keep trying other things to save him, but we knew that even if he made it, he would be a vegetable. My busy active father would not want to be a vegetable.

It was then that my mother and I made the hardest decision of our lives. We knew my father and the life he had led. We also knew the quality of life he would have if he even slightly recovered. There would be no comparison to the life he had before.

So after many tears, we gave him the greatest gift a person can give: the gift of love. That night, around 10 p.m. the doctors took him off of his ventilator. The next couple of hours were long and hard. Me and my mom and family and friends sat in his hospital room watching him. His heart was enlarged and he gasped for breath. It was too much for me to watch, so I sat in the waiting room with my mother and some family friends. Around 2:30 a.m. his heart stopped, and my father was gone. We all went in to his room with a pastor and said a prayer. The picture of him lying so still in that bed is stuck in my mind.

Part 4 of 6: What to say/what not to say

Since my father died everything has changed. I constantly search for the reason why it happened. The only thing I can come up with is it has made me stronger and closer to my mother. It has also shown me how precious life really is.

So, I am 21 years old, and it is just me and my mother. None of my friend’s parents have passed away and none of my mother’s friends have lost a spouse. Nobody really knows what to do. Some say, “I am so sorry for your loss, let me know if there is any thing I can do to help.” It is a very nice thought, but my mom and I don’t really know exactly what we need help with.

At times, it has been awkward being around my friends, because I know that they don’t know what to say or how to act and it is hard for them to see me upset. And they are upset too, not just because I am, but because they knew him too.

I also learned that some people just don’t think when they talk. One of my mother’s “good friends” asked her a week after it happened, “so how does it feel being single?” My mother really does not talk to her now. Another friend asked my mother if he could have some of my father’s expensive jackets.

So my advice on how to handle it if your friend has lost a parent is to just comfort them, check in on them and make sure that they are doing okay. Offer to take them out for a change of scenery and to try to get their mind off of the subject, at least for a few precious minutes.

Part 5 of 6: Regrets, Signs, Service

My father’s death was so unexpected which has made it even harder to deal with. The night that he died he and my mother came in to have dinner where I waitress and I was so busy that I was unable to really talk to them. Later when I got home, he was sitting in the living room watching TV, but I was on the phone and went straight upstairs, only saying, “hey.” I regret not going in to the room and giving him a hug and telling him I love him. Obviously I did not know what was about to happen, but I still regret it.

Before my dad died I never used to believe in signs. But a couple of weeks ago as I was cleaning out my closet and putting clothes in a pile to take to the river house, I was thinking about my father. I spent a lot of weekends in the summer at the river house with him. As I was moving the clothes, something fell out of my closet. It was a Valentines bear holding an “I love you” balloon. I just know that was my father’s way of telling me that he loves me and to let go of the regret.

Instead of the typical funeral, we had a celebration, because life should be celebrated. On March 9, 2009, 400-500 family and friends gathered to celebrate the life of my father. People gave testimonials of Vernon’s impact on their life. Laughter and tears were shared amongst every one.

Part 6 of 6: A different person

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since my father’s stroke. I have learned all about the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I think that I am still in denial. I tend to block it out or try not to think about it too much just to make it through my day. I had always imagined that when this happened I would be crying constantly, never get out of bed, and lose a lot of weight because I would not eat. But instead I have been keeping busy in order to cope. It still seems surreal. And every now and then it hits me that he is not coming back. And when I see a picture of him, I can’t help but smile, and sometimes cry.

What I have learned is that at any moment, everything can change and life is too short to live in regret. After all, the things that we may regret have taught us life lessons. We need to make the most of things, and remember that every thing happens for a reason. We go through experiences and they can either make us or break us. I believe that in the end it only makes us stronger. Life is short, so we should not take it for granted, but live each day as if it were our last. We never know when the end is near.

Ever since my father died I also feel like I have become a new person. I have a different outlook on life. I truly know how short life can be and I try to be a more positive person and have fewer regrets. Before, I would get upset or angry over miniscule things, but now I just let them go. I know that my father is watching over me and I am still trying to make him proud of his little girl.

Alone in this World

Waking up without you, it doesn’t feel right
To sleep with only memories
It’s harder every night
Some times I think I can feel you watching me

Tonight I’m reaching out to the stars
I think that he owes me a favor
It doesn’t matter where you are
I’ll hold you again

I wish I could hear your voice
Don’t leave me alone in this world
I wish I could hug you once more
Don’t leave me alone in this world
Not tonight, not tomorrow

I have the feeling this will never cease
Living in these pictures, it never comes with ease
I swear if I could make this right
You’d be back by now

Tonight I’m screaming out to the stars
He knows that he owes me a favor
It doesn’t matter where you are
You’ll be back again

I wish I could hear your voice
Don’t leave me alone in this world
I wish I could hug you once more
Don’t leave me alone in this world

Don't leave me alone, don't leave me alone
Don't leave me alone in this world
Don't leave me alone, don't leave me alone
Don't leave me alone in this world